Friday, April 20, 2012

andrew's guide on how to live in the Upper East Side

1. Own an Iphone. Or at least an Ipad (It should be understood that you already have an Imac). This is the first and most clear indicator to outsiders that you belong in the Upper East Side. A very little known fact is that Apple products are manufactured expressly for Upper East Siders, or USERS, for short, because these people always put themselves first. You are your highest priority. To be a user, you must put "I" in front of everything.

2. Become either Jewish or white. As unappealing as this may be, this is just as crucial as Rule #1. To be a true user, you must associate only with those that look and believe just as you do, except Koreans and Chinese, whom you can keep at a safe distance as allies. But always pretend you don't know the difference between the two.

3. Vote Republican. You don't even need to know who the candidates are or understand their positions on issues. The only thing that matters is to keep Obama from taxing your millions of dollars in income.

4. Refer to developing countries as "The Third World."

5. Be anti-war. Better yet, be anti-military. Do not have anything to do with guns, violence, or international conflict. As a user, you live in your own microcosm of comfort, and do not want to be reminded that there is actually a reality outside of the United States (really I should say outside of New York City, but as far as users are concerned, America
is New York City). Don't ever let anybody know that you've ever served in the armed forces. Hide that shit. Don't even tell anybody that you know anybody in the military. And just to be safe, whenever somebody mentions Navy SEALs, you should say something like, "Oh those things are soo adorable! I've seen them at the Bronx Zoo!"

6. If you can't find SEALs at the zoo, own a dog. If you are black (see Rule #2), it must be a pit bull. The animal must have at least semi-weekly appointments at Pawsitive Dog Grooming. You must bring the animal to the dog park every day, and take careful notes (you can use your Iphone) on every cute thing the animal does. This will come in handy when you go back to your apartment overlooking Central Park and compare your experience with your neighbor, who has also just returned from the dog park.

7. Eat at an expensive restaurant every night. On weekends, either go to the Hamptons or your country house in Connecticut.

8. Make sure you have your driver take you to the restaurant. Even if it is five blocks away, you don't want to risk scuffing up your Italian shoes by walking. And make sure he takes the Bentley, you don't want to take the Escalade because your wife could twist her ankle climbing out of it in her Jimmy Choos.

9. Make every effort to watch all the popular TV shows. You don't want to be left out of the conversation when playing tennis at the Hamptons.

10. Follow the lives of celebrities very closely. Whether you actually know them personally or not is insignificant. The point is that as a user, you need to find the most petty and inane topics for conversation, and celebrity life ranks near the top. The only difference between you and teenage American girls is that the latter will eventually grow out of their immaturity.

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